But I Don't Want To...

Today was the hardest test so far with regards to my motivation and productivity. Yes, it's all fine to write blog posts about my abstract commitment to gentleness with myself in order to increase my productivity.

Actually acting on that commitment, however, is a lot harder in the moment of stress.

I'm noticing a pattern, and I don't like it very much.

The pattern is this: I accept a ton of projects, write times in my planner to do them, and then…I don't. I wait...I wait...and I wait some more. I write a paper or two. I do something else, maybe check my e-mail. I knock another paper out of the way. Then it's coffee break time.

When all the papers are due later on in the week, I pull a few all-nighters, finish them, and then rest to repeat the next week.

The first time it happened, I could ascribe it to this factor or that one. The second time it happened, I felt a little anxious, but still found external factors to blame.

Today, I realize that I am the common denominator. Yes, details change, but the pattern is the same. I am setting up these situations of stress for myself.

Why do I do this to myself? I think, given the overall negative emotional experience when it occurs, that this is an example of a Simon the Boxer scenario. I am creating and managing near-helpless, stressful situations with a feeling that everything is at stake.

That was a familiar scenario for me when I was growing up.

I don't want to do this to myself any more, but it feels like too rigid a habit to change easily. Right now, I'm sitting with thousands of words to write tonight and I keep gearing up to write them. I hear a voice, "But I don't want to right now."

As anxiety-provoking as it is, I'm going to listen to that voice and stop writing for a few hours. I might even stop for the night. I consciously don't want to, because I know that if I do, I will be late. But compared to what? Compared to treating my inner voices with contempt? I know how that goes from experience – I don't want to go down that road again.